Several weeks ago, I had a dream that I was walking up a wooden plank walkway that was flooded with ankle-deep water. I entered a house that was also ankle deep in water, and as I turned my head to look up, there was no ceiling, only roof open to the giant sky. I expected to see stars, but instead I saw what appeared to be a flock of flying fish. Before I knew it, one of the fish flew down to me, looked me straight in the eye, and then flew away with the rest of the fish. In the background I heard what sounded like a plug being pulled out and water swirling down a drain. Then, I woke up.
At the time, I had no idea what this dream meant, but it seemed significant. Later in that week, I had lunch with a friend, and when I described the dream to her, she exclaimed, “Ah! Fish out of water!” So, now you know how the title for this blog article came to be.
My entire life I have felt like a fish out of water, not having the skills or understanding to navigate my earthly existence successfully. As I think back on my earliest childhood memories, the sense I have is one of being covered by mesh that keeps me separated from others. I can see through this mesh, I can hear, I can touch and feel the outside world, yet I don’t seem to understand how things on Earth work. Specifically, I am puzzled by how people relate to each other and how they relate to me. I also face challenges with communicating my needs, gaining others’ attention, and most essentially, being understood.
Imagine for a moment that life here on earth is a circular, fast-moving current of air. This current represents the stream of life within which all things happen. I have always found it difficult to slip into the stream of life, as if I were blocked. I see others in this stream and sense they can see me, yet they don’t look up or notice that I am having difficulty. They all appear to be engaged and quite familiar with the way this current works, having no trouble moving about. But for me, it’s as if I simply don’t have the capacity to engage.
I know there are many others like me who are flailing about, not really getting what Earth and those on Earth are all about.
In reading about my background, you may come to the same conclusion I did, and that is that we don’t all come from the same places (meaning planets, galaxies, worlds), but we are all on planet Earth together to learn to accept ourselves exactly as we are so that we can let this love and acceptance flow out of ourselves to others in this giant soup of mixed cultures, beliefs, looks, likes, and differences we call humankind.
Just maybe someday (and soon I hope), we can all come to understand that we were all created from ONE and that we are all unique and different. This is what makes life here more interesting and diverse and is what brings varied perspectives, abilities, talents and gifts to the collective.
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Once again, you have hit the nail (of many) on the head. You have eloquently described how I too felt while growing up. I never felt like I fit in, especially within my own family. If someone had informed me that I was adopted, my life would have made so much sense, but that never happened.
I have never felt incorporated, once a “friend” said to me, “You just can’t stay in your box!”, to which I replied, “I don’t have a box!”.
I had to learn on my own to go deep within and harvest self-love and accept myself “as is”. So thank you Lynzie, for your honesty in which I find great comfort. Keep up this wonderful and magical work you do.
While it has been a long and difficutl journey (and I would not want a repeat) I wouldn’t change anything because of where I am today. The internal strength I have gained is invaluable and the love that streams through me now is exactly what I have craved my entire life. I pray we can all discover our soul-selves and find our way back to God!
I can remember being devastated when my mother would put on her coat, gather up her purse and car keys and bend over to kiss me goodbye.”I’m going to the (Navy) commissary to get our groceries. Be a good girl and do what Mrs. Nelson says, all right? I’ll be home quick as a wink!” I was three years old, and was absolutely certain that when my mother got into our old blue Buick and drove it down the street and out of sight, that I would never see her again. In fact I had figured out that from the instant I couldn’t see her anymore, she had not just disappeared. . . she had ceased to exist! I truly believed that my dear mother was the closest thing to an Angel there was in the world. To be without her, even for an hour or two when she went to buy my corn flakes and milk, was just plain agony! I didn’t realize that other people might feel that same way about their parent, at least not to that extent. Thank you for sharing your very deep feelings with me.
Thanks for sharing, I would not have thought that you felt this way. I really feel that in sharing our greatest fears is the impetus for others to share theirs.
Lynzie, your story is powerful, raw and heart felt. You take me on a ride within my own life journey, causing me to reflect back on the moment I first saw my mother and cracked up laughing. No, it was not gas. It was, instead, an old soul returning to try and get this right this time and laughing at the mother I chose in this lifetime. I knew I was in for one heck of a ride and life has not disappointed. Thank you for bearing your soul wide open, and to your mom, for being willing to speak her truth. Off we go, to Infinity and beyond!
I am quite sure that even though I wasn’t conscious, that I too, chose my mother and she chose me this time around. I do sense that this time around we are both in a much better place in terms of overcoming absense, abandonment, judgment and so much more… That is how we grow, expand and acquire wisdom!
Thank you so much for sharing!