It occurs to me that, in our culture, there is an underlying assumption that when Christmas rolls around we will receive a gift or gifts. I also sense the expectation on the purchaser’s or gift giver’s side that she or he must give a gift – regardless of how the person feels about the person to whom the gift is being given. Many of us may feel judged as stingy or selfish if we don’t give a gift.

Obligation is such a heavy word. It means “a binding promise, contract or sense of duty.” Why should we feel it’s our duty to give someone a gift? Gift-giving should be from the heart and bring joy to the one giving. Gift-giving allows for energy to be exchanged in a loop of grace that blesses the giver and the receiver.

In the past, I would start to feel a bit panicky and anxious about the holidays. As a result, I became humbug-ish about Christmas. There was a time when I would go into debt just for the sake of showing that I had multiple presents under my tree. Seems pretty silly to me now.  As I got older, there seemed to be more bodies to buy for, yet finances had not increased to meet this need. That’s when I started to change this belief of mine.

I have been on a spiritual path now for a little more than four years and although the changes in me have caused great upheaval and challenge in my life, I know it to be a necessary process, bringing me closer to my soul-self and to God.  Over this past four years, I have released many of the human-constructed behaviors and beliefs stored in my physical and spiritual body that have held me back in great fear on many levels.

I have reflected on every aspect of my life to re-experience the pain, anger, grief, jealousy, shame and resentment of my past. Each painful experience came to the surface in turn and was lifted from me, allowing me to become “en-lightened” in my body and mind.

In case you missed it, you might want to read my last month’s blog article titled “Enlightenment is a journey, not a sprint”.

This year, the word “gift” has taken on a whole new meaning for me. Over the past few months, I have had to face off with some huge challenges and fears I had begun to work through in the past. In fact, I wrote about them in my blog more than a year ago. Please read “Heart action, not mind reaction”. 

Once again, I have been faced with my biggest fear, the  fear of not belonging here or anywhere. My fears also include being homeless, not having a place I could call my own, even my own bed. And the only way through this darkness and fear was to submerge myself in it – allowing it to completely encompass me, allowing the feelings of fear, of terror, of being out-of-control to rise to the surface and be heard and acknowledged.

In the past month or so, I became very sick and was down in bed for a time. I could feel all of the memories that brought up this intense fear flash through my mind like a movie. I knew that this was a pivotal point in my life. This was going to be the point at which things were going to change – and for the better. The old faulty and cracked foundation I had been sitting on my whole life was being destroyed and removed and a new one being slid into place. This foundation would be much cleaner and stronger than the one it was replacing, the old one being unable to support who I was becoming.

Once I was better, feeling stronger than I ever had before, I focused my intention on manifesting the perfect space to land. I still had a few more lessons to learn about this process, but with the support of a friend and my always present Divine guidance, I landed the most amazing space I could ever have dreamed of. No, I take that back: I could never have dreamed up such a space and situation as I am in now. And I am eternally grateful for the entire unfolding of this part of my life. I am able to embrace the good of it with gratitude, not despite the pain, but because of what going through the process has taught me.

This process has taken me back to my beginning and forward so that I can acquire a deeper understanding of this human belief system I had overlaid on my being, allowing it to become a part of my un-stable foundation. So, without the experience, I would have chalked this gift up to another “happy ending”. It might not even have ended so happily after all.  

Instead, the gift was the entire unfolding – of my believing in something that wasn’t true, of allowing this untruth to surface and be lifted from my body, mind and soul – now to be relegated to memory status – all within a relatively short period of time.

What situations in your life seem to repeat? What feelings do you have that don’t seem to want to go away despite your best attempts to eliminate them? The universe is telling you to stop and listen for the directions to go right instead of left.

Your Creator and the Divine Order know what is best for you. And you are here to learn and evolve. We all have free will to make our own choices. Will you make your choices out of fear, or will you decide to move through your fear, despite the discomfort, and learn to trust in yourself and the Divine light within you?This year I am dedicated to living more in truth and authenticity than ever before.

Will you join me?

I invite you to become a part of my community. Join the conversation and share your story as it relates to the ideas in “our” blog.

You might be interested in my meditation guideDiscovering Your Higher Self through Meditation and Visualization: A Beginner’s Guide. Take a look and see if you find it helpful in developing your own meditation practice.